I'm So Sorry...

...I feel like I've let down and disappointed the entire family. I'm so, so sorry.

I'm so overcome with emotion and grief right now that I can not sleep. I don't want to keep anyone awake and maybe working through some of these emotions will help. I've already been praying and praying.

I know I won't know why but I've learned that its a valid question and its okay to ask.

Zoe, my parents dog was hit and killed by a car today. She was such a wonderful, loving dog. The entire family loved her, even all the grand kids. Theya is sleeping in our bed tonight because for the last couple of months she's been sleeping with Zoe. She's out of sorts without Zoe and keeps having nightmares.

Between Holly having a baby, Jaime moving and now Holly's brain issues Zoe has been at our house more than my parents house over the last two months. She has become part of our family and the kids loved her.

I felt like taking care of Zoe was my way of helping Jaime and Holly and it feels like what is wrong with me, I couldn't even do that.

All I could think about when it happened was having to tell Mom and Monte. It was the worst feeling ever. I just didn't want to have to say those words. They did not need this. They needed to come home to their loving dog that would have been extremely excited to see them. All they could say was at least it wasn't Holly and that they'd take losing Zoe over Holly.

I seriously still can't believe it. We had so much fun outside today with Zoe and Theya. It was such a nice day and we were outside for most of it. The way it happened was like it wasn't an accident. Why? I know God gives and he takes away and I don't understand it but I do know God and know that He is always good. So, right now my heart is going to choose to say, Lord Blessed be your name. I will continue to pray for a miracle of full recovery for Holly.

I find myself going back to 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 for the millionth time this week. Seriously, I've read this so much. Verse 3 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort." Please, I encourage you to grab a Bible and continue reading this passage.

I find it amazing how Monte has been through four or five brain surgeries with his sister, three surgeries with my Mom through her breast cancer and how they were able to offer Holly what comfort they could because they could empathize with her.

Through all of this I've been learning to rely on God and not myself. It's all about HIM! "...Do not be afraid or discouraged....For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:5 The story of King Jehoshaphat has also taught me a lot over this last week. I keep reminding myself that the battle is the Lord's, not mine.

The battle is going to continue for awhile. Holly still needs to endure three brain surgeries. I can't even imagine. I wish I could do more than just pray but then again I need to remind myself that the battle is the Lord's. I'm so thankful for the Holy Spirit and that He intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express because it seems at times over the last few weeks that I've relied on that more than my own words.

Thank you God that Holly is still with us and thank you for the joy and happiness that Zoe brought to our entire family.

(I saved this as a draft last night, I wanted to make sure the immediate family knew before I posted this.)